A time for everything

Recently I started journaling as a way to put my feelings and thoughts on paper. As a musician, I used to journal all the time, I wrote poems, turned them into songs. I wrote about love and loss and all sorts of things. It was a way to connect to a world that only existed in my head. After getting married I stopped journaling and I'm not really sure why to be honest. Maybe it was because my love story had happened and for whatever reason I thought I would no longer have meaningful stories to put to paper or maybe it was because throughout all the bliss, I was experiencing some of my darkest days. 

Marrying young is not easy, marrying young while also marrying the military is honestly a nightmare wrapped in a pretty bow! It takes everything out of you and causes you to grow up so much faster than you ever wished or imagined. We survived that time in our life, but it was down right hard and I think a part of me never wanted to record those feelings. I regret that. Truly and whole heartedly regret every second. I don't have the best memory and in certain times, the good outweighs the bad and vice versa. One day I would love to share with my children not only my triumphs, but my struggles too. They need to know life isn't always easy. Everything, even love, takes work! 

So, as I sat down to write in my journal today, I began with, "Is this it?" This never ending feeling of chaos and uncertainty from one day to the next... I feel unorganized, scatter brained, all the while still fighting with my own body to heal from whatever unknown reason. I feel like as I creep closer to 30, as I get ready to attend my 10 year reunion..is this really it! I feel like I should have had my stuff together by now, my life, my finances, EVERYTHING!!! Maybe I'm alone in this and maybe not. Sometimes I look around at others lives and I'm thankful I'm not them, I'm thankful God has graciously given me everything that I DO have, but a piece still feels incomplete. 

As a young girl I dreamed of being a singer. To this day I get hot flashes standing in front of people to talk, but to sing.. oh its so freeing. I feel most alive standing in front of a crowd and singing my heart out. It has absolutely nothing to do with the applause afterward or the small talk following of praise... that actually makes this introvert nervous.. it's the joy I get from doing something I genuinely love. Like a kid on Christmas morning! I knew then what I don't know now..I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I have an idea, but nothing concrete. 

As I turned the page in my journal, at the top of the page is this scripture, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.."- Ecclesiastes 3:1 . That was no coincidence folks. That was Gods every forgiving, ever loving grace telling me, I got you! Right then, I stopped writing, there was no reason to question "is this it" God has my back, he knows my heart, and I too know that giving him the trust, the glory, and staying true to who I am, he will lead me and my life exactly where I'm supposed to be. Everything I have gone thru, going thru, and will go to, is for a reason, part of a season, and a chapter in my book of life.   

Please Stay Forever Young

You know with everything that has happened over the past year, I've been doing A LOT of thinking, reflecting, in search of change in certain areas of my life. It's ironic how tragedies or major life events always tend to bring those about. I spend so much of my life running. Running from this appointment, that class, this school for that kid. It's hectic and I'm finding a hard time balancing it all, but last night something so simple brought so much of it into perspective. 

I started my second to last semester as a college student and as an Early Childhood major it basically means that 3 days a week is consumed by school where I only get to see my children in the morning while I'm sending them off to school and then kiss their sweet heads as they sleep, when I finally get home. The first week isn't even done and I've already done my share of crying... like a lot! I'm not used to being away from them like this. 

As I snuck into my sons room last night, he woke up and I got to spend a few precious moments one on one with him. I asked him how his day was and he asked me about mine. I shared with him this really awesome counting book that I made with my peer colleagues in class that consisted of "How to Build a Snowman".. Olaf style ;) As sleepy as he was, his face lit up and said that he loved me so much and couldn't wait for me to be a teacher. Oh my sweet baby boy, how I don't want you to grow up! With all the hustle and bustle, I'm so guilty of rushing them and sometimes yelling... "GET YOUR SHOES ONNNNN!!!" " We don't have time for that" "Not today"... oh my gosh the list goes on and on. I forget that time with them, even those extra five minutes at the end of the day, is sooo stinking precious. 

One day I will have a house that stays clean for more than an hour, one day I will have the freedom to go to any event I chose without finding a babysitter, one day I won't have to listen to my human Godzilla roaring and knocking down everything in sight, and one day princess dresses, dolls, and colored walls will no longer consume my life. Sometimes I long for those days, but that means my babies will be grown, my name will go from Mommy to mom, and quite frankly I'm not ready for that. I crave my alone time, but I also crave time with my babies, exactly how they are right now. That day is not today, nor tomorrow, or the next. As I wished my sweet boy back to sleep, I also wished that day would never come. Their love and innocence keeps me alive in the hardest of times, they allow my soul to stay forever young. I vow to slow down, to cherish the time I get with them, they are priority over all things because they won't stay little forever!