"..I have never loved anyone more.."

      They say that you never truly know how much you love someone until you've lost them. In my case, the truth is, I always knew deep down how much I loved him, but where I fell short, was showing him. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I loved my husband. No one. Not even my own children. That might seem harsh, especially if you’re a parent, but let me explain. My husband was my very first true love and the man of my dreams. He was one I prayed for and hoped that God would bless me with. He was the man I grew up with and the man who made me THEIR mommy. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t have them. That’s pretty freaking special and amazing if you ask me. I didn’t have a father to look up to, to love or be loved by. The love that he has for our children, oh the love that it gives me inside, completely indescribable.

     Here’s the thing though, I lost that love, I let it slip right through my fingers. Somewhere along our long journey of life, we let the world creep in and destroy the best thing that I truly believe, ever happened to the both of us, each other. See we were so young when we got married and by no means do I think that’s an excuse, but we were not prepared to handle real life situations like real life adults. We were babies and we acted as such when life got tough. Through the years, resentment and anger built up and we let it get the best of us. I still desperately loved that man that stood in front of me every day, but I was so mad at him, that most days, I don’t even know if I told him that I loved him. He was (and many times, is) my very best friend. I cannot imagine my life without him, but he’s no longer mine. I will tell you, nothing hurts more than to say that, nothing. If you’re married, engaged, or ever plan of living life with your one true love, don’t just tell him, SHOW him how much you truly do love the man that he is. Men need that kind of validation, they crave it. 

      There is not a second of the day that I don’t wish I could change the situation I’m in. There’s not a second that I don’t wish that I would have done things the right way  from the very beginning, that I would have let our marriage be one that was led by God, not just

begging for Mercy when times got tough. I wish instead of just praying for the man I loved, that I would have also prayed with him, through the good times and the bad, for our life together and our future together. Those were the things we messed up. Realizing that you failed at being an adult, when it’s too late, is far more difficult, than fixing things when there’s still time. It’s been six months since the rug was pulled out from beneath me and I have yet to find my footing. I am completely lost without the love of my life. He may not know this, but he was the one who saved me, who showed me that a man could love me and could also step up and be a father, when he had no other obligation, but to just be a good father. Who knew that it was that easy. He makes it look sooo easy. He restored my faith that a man could provide for his family and love his children unconditionally. HE did that for me. 

       So I write this with the hopes that I reach even one hopelessly in love soul... Love with EVERYTHING within you, even when the days are long, the nights are short. Love even when you don't feel like it, when your mad, when your bitter. Not only pray for him, but pray WITH him. SHOW HIM That you LOVE him!!! It seems so simple, but life sometimes passes you by. The laundry, bills, cleaning, and kids can get in the way, don't let them. I promise NOTHING is more important than that love the two of you share, everything else will fall into place. Don’t let it be too late. Believe me, you WILL be sorry. I know I am. 

A time for everything

Recently I started journaling as a way to put my feelings and thoughts on paper. As a musician, I used to journal all the time, I wrote poems, turned them into songs. I wrote about love and loss and all sorts of things. It was a way to connect to a world that only existed in my head. After getting married I stopped journaling and I'm not really sure why to be honest. Maybe it was because my love story had happened and for whatever reason I thought I would no longer have meaningful stories to put to paper or maybe it was because throughout all the bliss, I was experiencing some of my darkest days. 

Marrying young is not easy, marrying young while also marrying the military is honestly a nightmare wrapped in a pretty bow! It takes everything out of you and causes you to grow up so much faster than you ever wished or imagined. We survived that time in our life, but it was down right hard and I think a part of me never wanted to record those feelings. I regret that. Truly and whole heartedly regret every second. I don't have the best memory and in certain times, the good outweighs the bad and vice versa. One day I would love to share with my children not only my triumphs, but my struggles too. They need to know life isn't always easy. Everything, even love, takes work! 

So, as I sat down to write in my journal today, I began with, "Is this it?" This never ending feeling of chaos and uncertainty from one day to the next... I feel unorganized, scatter brained, all the while still fighting with my own body to heal from whatever unknown reason. I feel like as I creep closer to 30, as I get ready to attend my 10 year reunion..is this really it! I feel like I should have had my stuff together by now, my life, my finances, EVERYTHING!!! Maybe I'm alone in this and maybe not. Sometimes I look around at others lives and I'm thankful I'm not them, I'm thankful God has graciously given me everything that I DO have, but a piece still feels incomplete. 

As a young girl I dreamed of being a singer. To this day I get hot flashes standing in front of people to talk, but to sing.. oh its so freeing. I feel most alive standing in front of a crowd and singing my heart out. It has absolutely nothing to do with the applause afterward or the small talk following of praise... that actually makes this introvert nervous.. it's the joy I get from doing something I genuinely love. Like a kid on Christmas morning! I knew then what I don't know now..I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I have an idea, but nothing concrete. 

As I turned the page in my journal, at the top of the page is this scripture, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.."- Ecclesiastes 3:1 . That was no coincidence folks. That was Gods every forgiving, ever loving grace telling me, I got you! Right then, I stopped writing, there was no reason to question "is this it" God has my back, he knows my heart, and I too know that giving him the trust, the glory, and staying true to who I am, he will lead me and my life exactly where I'm supposed to be. Everything I have gone thru, going thru, and will go to, is for a reason, part of a season, and a chapter in my book of life.   

Please Stay Forever Young

You know with everything that has happened over the past year, I've been doing A LOT of thinking, reflecting, in search of change in certain areas of my life. It's ironic how tragedies or major life events always tend to bring those about. I spend so much of my life running. Running from this appointment, that class, this school for that kid. It's hectic and I'm finding a hard time balancing it all, but last night something so simple brought so much of it into perspective. 

I started my second to last semester as a college student and as an Early Childhood major it basically means that 3 days a week is consumed by school where I only get to see my children in the morning while I'm sending them off to school and then kiss their sweet heads as they sleep, when I finally get home. The first week isn't even done and I've already done my share of crying... like a lot! I'm not used to being away from them like this. 

As I snuck into my sons room last night, he woke up and I got to spend a few precious moments one on one with him. I asked him how his day was and he asked me about mine. I shared with him this really awesome counting book that I made with my peer colleagues in class that consisted of "How to Build a Snowman".. Olaf style ;) As sleepy as he was, his face lit up and said that he loved me so much and couldn't wait for me to be a teacher. Oh my sweet baby boy, how I don't want you to grow up! With all the hustle and bustle, I'm so guilty of rushing them and sometimes yelling... "GET YOUR SHOES ONNNNN!!!" " We don't have time for that" "Not today"... oh my gosh the list goes on and on. I forget that time with them, even those extra five minutes at the end of the day, is sooo stinking precious. 

One day I will have a house that stays clean for more than an hour, one day I will have the freedom to go to any event I chose without finding a babysitter, one day I won't have to listen to my human Godzilla roaring and knocking down everything in sight, and one day princess dresses, dolls, and colored walls will no longer consume my life. Sometimes I long for those days, but that means my babies will be grown, my name will go from Mommy to mom, and quite frankly I'm not ready for that. I crave my alone time, but I also crave time with my babies, exactly how they are right now. That day is not today, nor tomorrow, or the next. As I wished my sweet boy back to sleep, I also wished that day would never come. Their love and innocence keeps me alive in the hardest of times, they allow my soul to stay forever young. I vow to slow down, to cherish the time I get with them, they are priority over all things because they won't stay little forever! 

Insanity Max:30

To say I'm fired up about the release of this program is a slight understatement ..just ask my husband, I talked non-stop about it the first week it was announced ;) .. Insanity is my first fitness love, (I'm slightly Shaun T. obsessed). It's the first at home workout to take me from a gym-rat to an at home brat! Having kids made it difficult to get to the gym around their schedules, time is ALWAYS an issue, so I had to find an alternative!  If you have ever wanted to try Insanity, but thought you couldn't do it for whatever reason, this is for you! If you have done insanity, ran tough mudders, done crossfit, p90x, etc... this is also for you! This program does not discriminate against fitness level. It launches tomorrow! If you want more info or are ready to jump in, message me! I will be holding an FB group for accountability and support the full length of the program to get us all through!

Food Really Matters!!!

As I lay here in bed, barely able to move, I decided its time I opened up a little bit about what I've been dealing with almost a year now. I want to share because in a world obsessed with the latest weight loss fad, it's hard to tell what's legit versus who's just in it for the dollar!

I used to be one of those who wanted that quick fix, I probably have a good 5 or 6 "diet" books in my library, but none of them promise long term results.... NONE!!! A year and a half ago that all changed... I came across a what I call "a lifestyle" plan that worked... that I was able to stick to realistically, "Clean Eating". Now I'm sure this is probably a term that you are all very familiar with, but do you really knowww what Eating Clean means?! I know I didn't. Google is literally my BEST FRIEND and I really don't know what I would do without her... like seriously! (haha) I spent many nights researching how to eat clean and in reality, I was already doing it, I just had to make some minor adjustments. All eating clean means is eating foods with as little ingredients as possible.. preferably below 3... and if you can't pronounce it... it's dirty! Processed foods are the demise of our bodies, whether you realize it or not, eating foods that God did not place on this earth and that man created, wreaks havoc on our body. Most can't tell the difference until they make the change and then have a cheat day/cheat meal and literally feel like they're dying afterwards. See that's exactly what happened to me.

January it will be a year that I have been dealing with some internal issue in my body. It started with an annoying pain underneath the right side of my ribs, one that made workouts extremely painful. After a trip to my doctor, he was sure it was inflammation in my muscles from strenuous workouts, he treated me for a condition called, Pleurisy. I went through the series of questions, "Do you notice a change after eating certain foods (no), does change in position help (no), blah blah blah (no, no, no)." The pain was so severe it sent me to the emergency room, where that doctor also convinced it was a muscle pain... I went through a series of tests, both blood work and xrays. I was on Percocet for pain management and two other kinds of spasm and inflammation meds, NOTHING HELPED!!! Tests were normal showing I was extremely healthy, I was lost.

Four months in and no sign of relief, I went for a second opinion, this time I went with a little more information. In the interim of  my issues, both my grandfather and my husband's grandfather had become terminally ill, my clean eating turned to eating fast-foods on the go while traveling to spend as many waking moments as we could with our families and also eating foods that others had cooked for our families, which you know typically is pasta and casserole dishes cooked for the masses. I noticed that while I was at home, where I ate clean, I felt a little better. The pain was there, but foods didn't make a difference. However, on the weekends, when I ate "dirty" processed foods, I was flu like following any meal. This was the key that unlocked a different door into my issues for my new doctor. She ordered another round of blood work and a series of ultrasounds to check my gallbladder, liver, and pancreas. Unfortunately, once again nothing! The only difference from the first time, was that my extremely great cholesterol levels (best my first Dr. had ever seen) had moved to borderline high... something I found interesting because eating dirty made that much difference in such a short time span! We hit a road block, my doctor was still not convinced that there wasn't something going on with my gallbladder considering the symptoms and family history, so together we created a protocol. Go back to eating as clean as possible, workout pushing through the pain, but don't strain, and take an anti-acid, then come back in 6 weeks.  The anti-acids didn't help and despise taking pills so I took those out of the routine fairly quickly, but within a couple weeks all pain was beginning to subside. Something was FINALLY working!!! I felt a sigh of relief. However, with an extremely busy lifestyle where I spend sometimes 2-3 hours in my car a day, I allowed myself to eat things I knew I shouldn't again. It didn't take long for the pain to come back. This time better than before, but now the illness following meals doesn't discriminate clean/dirty. Last night was my worst "episode" yet. We were out of town and had lunch at our favorite Philly sub place and before I had finished eating I was sick. I was able to make the drive home, but by dinner time I had no strength and was in so much pain I couldn't move. The pain was comparable to giving birth to my daughter! I woke up this morning, a little better but not much. I'm now terrified to eat, in fear that I will once again be paralyzed by pain. I'm scheduled for another round of tests, this time with the gastroenterologist for an endoscopy in hopes to finally get to the bottom of all of this, good/bad news! I want answers!!!

I'm writing all this for one reason and one reason only... FOOD MAKES A DIFFERENCE! Yes, I have something going on in my body that is causing all of these issues, but the years of yo-yo dieting and eating foods with ingredients not made for ingestion has caused all of this. If you eat foods that God placed on this earth to eat, your body will thank you! Treat your body with respect and in turn you will be happier and healthier!!!

My transformation

I wrote 'My Story' over a year ago, well recently I chose to create a Transformation Video & thought I would share. Singing has always been an outlet for me & a passion, so I chose to cover Colbie Calliet's "Try" for the video as well.  Enjoy ;)
-xoxo Coach Jessica

       

21 Day Fix Workout Calendar

By popular demand I have created a Printable Workout Calendar for the 21 Day Fix workouts. Feel free to save & print so that you can cross off the workouts as you complete them on your 21 Day fix journey. As always if you need absolutely anything, shoot me a message, and I'll be glad to help!

   xoxo- Coach Jessica